Some might answer… "non!" or "Why choose in the first place?"
Of course, the best thing is having only one wife and no cheating happening.
Thing is, I am not searching for the best answer or debating which of the two is better. I am just going to discuss a dilemma I have found out recently within our society or within our so called religious mentality.
In more than one occasion did this subject come up.
Two days ago, I was talking to a fellow female blogger (will not mention who because I didn't ask for permission) whom was cheated on by her husband. The issue was raised… "Second Marriage Or Cheating?".
Although she (among a few i know or heard from) answered within the lines of:
"I don't agree with other women who prefer cheating...if religion gave men a space to remarry, i can't object because there must be a point... but religion also gave me an option to not be involved anymore if i do not want to....cheating however is cowardly and cheap!
I respect that very much of course. But, in some cases I came across some shocking answers to say the least.
Even on the famous Orbit Channel programme "Al Qahira Al Youm" and the same subject was indirectly raised "Second Marriage Or Cheating?"...
To my shock some (quite a few!) women's answers were:
"If he cheats, I might forgive him. If he wants to marry again. I'll never take that"!!
When I asked (a female I know who once also answered as such) how come a Muslim woman would prefer her husband commit Adultery (with all the 7'ataya in it) rather than him marrying again (per Islam)… she elaborated and said:
"If he cheats on me, it might be out of weakness. But, if he remarries, then he is in love. And I won't take that!"!!
I asked another female (or the same one…I can't remember): "So you have no problem with him doing a sin, yet you have a problem if he uses "an option" of marrying again if there is a necessity for it?""
The answer I got was:" A7san, inshAllah yero7 fy dahya…bas maa yetgawezsh 3alaya!" ("Good! let him sin and go to hell, but at least he won't marry another") !!
I do understand and respect a woman's desire to be the one and only tab3an… that is their right and choice (hence they can get a divorce if their husband wants to remarry and they don't want to be the second wife).
But what I am talking about is, "when it is for a justified reason" and since it is part of our religion, why does society and\or the wife accuse the man who wants to go for it with stuff and talking negatively about him?
And for sure, why accept the fact that he can "CHEAT" (adultery) and maybe forgive him, but not accept him remarrying?!
Of course, anyone would prefer to have only one to live with and love. But, in some cases second marriage is the right option and works fine for some people.
One of my friends once said that there seems to be a trend in our society, he said:
"It is ridiculous how society (and a lot of women within it) has changed into considering or treating second marriages as a sin that is never to be allowed or forgiven.
Why will the "so called" religious society that we live in go against him (the husband), even if there is a justified reason for it?
Why will he be called: "7'ayen" (Traitor), "deny" (low life), "2aleel el asl" (does not appreciate sacrifices of the wife)…etc?
Why the insults and cursing him?
Men nowadays are becoming afraid to even think of such an option of re-marrying because of society's fury!.
What can a man do if he needs\wants to be with another woman for whatever justified reason? Eeeeh! Yezni 3alashan el mogtama3 maa yez3alsh?!!"
There are examples around us of friends loosing each other because one of them decided to re-marry.
I find this very strange, why loose someone's friendship if that someone did something within the boundaries of our religion (and tab3an did it for a relevant reason!)?!
I remember on Al Qahira Al Youm Programme, that there seemed to be a misperception by many women that men can only love one.
And Of course, as usual Amr Adeeb (the programme representer) played Devil's Advocate as he usually does, and went something to the effect of:
NEWS FLASH WOMEN: "WE CAN LOVE MORE THAN ONE! ".
Yes, it is not a rule for all men. But, bottom line... it does happen that some men love more than one.
What happens is, when married to two (for a justified reason), men will love one woman more than the other (but they do love more than one at the same time!).
The ideal example, our prophet (PBUH) married more than one (so did Prophets Suleiman and Daoud - Solomon & David - …etc), he loved them all. Yet, his heart was leaning towards his then passed away wife "Khadeeja" and his then current wife "Aisha" (per a couple of narrations I am referring to).
And as he (PBUH) taught us, when it came to love towards one specific wife... he used to say this Do'aa (meaning of):
"O Allah, I plead you... accept my deeds which I can control (equality and fairness between wives and giving them their rights) and forgive me for the ones I can not control (his love for one of them more than the others)".
Akeed, it would be easier for everyone to stick to one wife\loved one and that's it (who needs waga3 dema3').
And the fact that some men can love more than one does not mean "IT IS A RULE" or "It is enevatable"…etc. It is just happens to some, so why all this fuss about it in our society?!
Once a non-Muslim criticized Islam for allowing men to marry more than one. Arguing that cheating is less of a crime or blame.
Not wanting to talk about the reasons behind such an option (marrying more than one) and going through a long argument…the answer back was:
"You can not say that your way of life is better. Because bottom line is, if you want to compare between a second marriage verses cheating… the least result would be equal for both.
Because in both cases, the Muslim man and the non-Muslim man will be with 2 women at the same time! Spare me the lecture!".
Difference is, in the Muslim's case…the woman will have rights (inheritance, public affiliation, legal children…etc.). Unlike the one that a man cheats with.
My opinion is, that if a Muslim man wants to remarry for a a justifiable reason (within the boundaries of our religion), no one has the right to speak negatively about him…
"live and let live!".
If the first wife doesn't want or accept that, then divorce is the way to go. No need for insults or cursing.
Min el a7'er, the whole issue of calling or labeling ourselves as a religiously oriented society, and at the same time society criticizes someone who wants to do something that is part of religion... proves we live in a hypocritical society, and this is just "one" of the many dilemmas!
This is not a debate about if marrying more than one is part of religion and all that, so please spare me the debate about that point.
And no! I'm not getting married! And for sure I'm not going to commit adultery! GOD!!! lol
Stop accusing and judging PEOPLE! lol