Tuesday, January 29, 2008

In Parts Of The Muslim Society: "Second Marriage Or Cheating?"

Cheating: as in Adultery.

Some might answer… "non!" or "Why choose in the first place?"
Of course, the best thing is having only one wife and no cheating happening.

Thing is, I am not searching for the best answer or debating which of the two is better. I am just going to discuss a dilemma I have found out recently within our society or within our so called religious mentality.

In more than one occasion did this subject come up.
Two days ago, I was talking to a fellow female blogger (will not mention who because I didn't ask for permission) whom was cheated on by her husband. The issue was raised… "Second Marriage Or Cheating?".

Although she (among a few i know or heard from) answered within the lines of:
"I don't agree with other women who prefer cheating...if religion gave men a space to remarry, i can't object because there must be a point... but religion also gave me an option to not be involved anymore if i do not want to....cheating however is cowardly and cheap!
"

I respect that very much of course. But, in some cases I came across some shocking answers to say the least.

Even on the famous Orbit Channel programme "Al Qahira Al Youm" and the same subject was indirectly raised "Second Marriage Or Cheating?"...

To my shock some (quite a few!) women's answers were:
"Cheating!"...
"If he cheats, I might forgive him. If he wants to marry again. I'll never take that"!!

When I asked (a female I know who once also answered as such) how come a Muslim woman would prefer her husband commit Adultery (with all the 7'ataya in it) rather than him marrying again (per Islam)… she elaborated and said:
"If he cheats on me, it might be out of weakness. But, if he remarries, then he is in love. And I won't take that!"!!



The Consequence of remarrying! lol


I asked another female (or the same one…I can't remember): "So you have no problem with him doing a sin, yet you have a problem if he uses "an option" of marrying again if there is a necessity for it?""

The answer I got was:" A7san, inshAllah yero7 fy dahyabas maa yetgawezsh 3alaya!" ("Good! let him sin and go to hell, but at least he won't marry another") !!

I do understand and respect a woman's desire to be the one and only tab3an… that is their right and choice (hence they can get a divorce if their husband wants to remarry and they don't want to be the second wife).

But what I am talking about is, "when it is for a justified reason" and since it is part of our religion, why does society and\or the wife accuse the man who wants to go for it with stuff and talking negatively about him?

And for sure, why accept the fact that he can "CHEAT" (adultery) and maybe forgive him, but not accept him remarrying?!

Of course, anyone would prefer to have only one to live with and love. But, in some cases second marriage is the right option and works fine for some people.

-------------

One of my friends once said that there seems to be a trend in our society, he said:
"It is ridiculous how society (and a lot of women within it) has changed into considering or treating second marriages as a sin that is never to be allowed or forgiven.

Why will the "so called" religious society that we live in go against him (the husband), even if there is a justified reason for it?

Why will he be called: "7'ayen" (Traitor), "deny" (low life), "2aleel el asl" (does not appreciate sacrifices of the wife)…etc?

Socieity's Message: "Remarry and You'll Be Unplugged!"
.
Why the insults and cursing him?
Men nowadays are becoming afraid to even think of such an option of re-marrying because of society's fury!.

What can a man do if he needs\wants to be with another woman for whatever justified reason? Eeeeh! Yezni 3alashan el mogtama3 maa yez3alsh?!!"
"

There are examples around us of friends loosing each other because one of them decided to re-marry.

I find this very strange, why loose someone's friendship if that someone did something within the boundaries of our religion (and tab3an did it for a relevant reason!)?!

-------------

I remember on Al Qahira Al Youm Programme, that there seemed to be a misperception by many women that men can only love one.

And Of course, as usual Amr Adeeb (the programme representer) played Devil's Advocate as he usually does, and went something to the effect of:

NEWS FLASH WOMEN: "WE CAN LOVE MORE THAN ONE! ".

Yes, it is not a rule for all men. But, bottom line... it does happen that some men love more than one.

How?
What happens is, when married to two (for a justified reason), men will love one woman more than the other (but they do love more than one at the same time!).

To elaborate...

The ideal example, our prophet (PBUH) married more than one (so did Prophets Suleiman and Daoud - Solomon & David - …etc), he loved them all. Yet, his heart was leaning towards his then passed away wife "Khadeeja" and his then current wife "Aisha" (per a couple of narrations I am referring to).

And as he (PBUH) taught us, when it came to love towards one specific wife... he used to say this Do'aa (meaning of):

"O Allah, I plead you... accept my deeds which I can control (equality and fairness between wives and giving them their rights) and forgive me for the ones I can not control (his love for one of them more than the others)".

وروي " ) أنه صلى الله عليه وسلم كان يسوي بين زوجاته في القبلة , ويقول : اللهم هذا قسمي فيما أملك فلا تلمني فيما لا أملك (

Akeed, it would be easier for everyone to stick to one wife\loved one and that's it (who needs waga3 dema3').

And the fact that some men can love more than one does not mean "IT IS A RULE" or "It is enevatable"…etc. It is just happens to some, so why all this fuss about it in our society?!

-------------

Once a non-Muslim criticized Islam for allowing men to marry more than one. Arguing that cheating is less of a crime or blame.

Not wanting to talk about the reasons behind such an option (marrying more than one) and going through a long argument…the answer back was:

"You can not say that your way of life is better. Because bottom line is, if you want to compare between a second marriage verses cheating… the least result would be equal for both.

Why?
Because in both cases, the Muslim man and the non-Muslim man will be with 2 women at the same time! Spare me the lecture!".


Difference is, in the Muslim's case…the woman will have rights (inheritance, public affiliation, legal children…etc.). Unlike the one that a man cheats with.

-------------

My opinion is, that if a Muslim man wants to remarry for a a justifiable reason (within the boundaries of our religion), no one has the right to speak negatively about him…
"live and let live!".

If the first wife doesn't want or accept that, then divorce is the way to go. No need for insults or cursing.

Min el a7'er, the whole issue of calling or labeling ourselves as a religiously oriented society, and at the same time society criticizes someone who wants to do something that is part of religion... proves we live in a hypocritical society, and this is just "one" of the many dilemmas!

Note:
This is not a debate about if marrying more than one is part of religion and all that, so please spare me the debate about that point.
And no! I'm not getting married! And for sure I'm not going to commit adultery! GOD!!! lol

Stop accusing and judging PEOPLE! lol

Mood: Bedazzled.

12 comments:

Nag said...

are you getting married? :P

MrsFadfad said...

kheir ya nag, talabatik, ay khedma? ... eh, inty ma3aky kabreet w shwayet gaz zeyada 3ayza tewalla3y beehom ay haga wala eh LOL... khaleeky ma7dar kheir :)

Jade said...

Dear Fedfad,

Well said & you have made me understand "Wa Lan ta3delloh" as I've always wondered what that means... thank you for that.

But many times through out your post - you said "Justifiable Reason" - how do you define Justifiable Reason? What is a justifiable reason to you?

old school friend :) said...

sure the one who thinks to re-marry is mad ;)

but it is better to re-marry tha cheating because there are lots of girls who are not married yet because the number of men are less than them,,,so it is better that the man re-marries for the sake of the girls to have a husband..

we da a7san 7al lel 3onousa:)

AbdElRaHmaN Ayyash said...

you are great:)
I admired this topic very much
thank you

dr.zizo said...

Perfect point of view ya man, I totally agree with it.

but this is not the problem, The problem is as jade said, what is the justifiable reason ?

This is the real dilemma, I don't think that we can reach a common answer, cause every one will have his own reasons which are fair from his point of view.

So yabka al7al 3ala mahowa 3aleh :P

insomniac said...

oh my God, excuse me fad, i think i will write a whole post 3ashan makhodsh too much space in my LONG comment...

however, good post, and it did cover good points! details in my posrt tho!

Shimaa Gamal said...

I will try to keep my comment off the religion explanation. You hit a point, as there are plenty of women who would forgive a cheating husband and consider a second marriage a betrayal.
It might sounds weird but, their measure to consider the husband a cheater is how serious is him with the new woman; nothing is more serious than a marriage certificate.
The truth is, whether he re-married or just enjoyed the company of the mistress, he is cheating. A wise woman should always get off a relation with a cheater. But women in our culture will prefer “del el ragel” over “del el 7ieta” as far as “el ragel wel 7eta” come in the same package. So, she will turn a blind eye to his relations as far as he is supporting her and her children and never thought of sharing these resources with another woman with rights. It is the rights of the second woman that scares the first. So, ay wa7da te2ool enoh yekhonha ah yetgawez 3aliha la2, is basically betd7ak 3ala nafsaha. There is no woman on this earth who would accept splitting a man with a woman.
As for the men can love more than once, the news is and so do women. We can love more than one at the same time. Sa7ee7 all women say no, elly bey7eb mesh bey7eb tany .. etc bas the truth is women are humans, we fall in love and then love fades. Just like men, who get bored of relations, who get stressed of relations, and who seek change in new relations. A woman might seek a relief of her current relation pressures in a new relation. So lucky for men that, women in this part of the world compensate their partners’ deficiencies with other sources of emotions, kids for instance, but yet women are humans. What goes for a man goes for a woman.
I just wonder, what type of woman elly te7eb en gozha yekhaf menha fa maytgawezsh wa7da Tanya we maykhafsh mn rabena fa yezny ma3aha … el mafrood en ay wa7da tekoon waska en gozha mesh hayzeny le2n dah 7aram we mesh hayzelmha le2n rabena 2amaroh bel ma3roof. El 3a2l ye2ool en madam ragel 3aref denoh awy keda, yeb2a 3aref en rabena eda el 7a2 fi el gawaz beshart el 3adl we naha el aya beklmet wa lan ta3delo, ya3ny aya sharteya, shart we manfy ta72ee2oh fi el akher. Laken howa mogtama3 beyfasal el deen 3ala ma2asoh. Elly 3ayez ye3ot we khayef mn el 7ormanya ye2ool atgawez tany, we lama yetgawez yezlm el awalneya, we yezlem el Tanya, we yastamer mn wa7da le wa7da … as if en rabena amaroh beldos 3ala masha3er makhalee2 rabena.

Great Post as usual.
P.S.
Howa fi 7ad yetgawez mara ye3melha tany, howa fi 7ad yekarar nafs el 3’alta martien ;)

farida said...

dear

great post
I wrote about nearly the same subject once

http://hekayat-farida.blogspot.com/2007/04/1.html

half an hour agoI Wrote to you a very long comment then for a stupid connection error it was not puplished
:(

so any how
what I want to say is
that as a married woman
I cann't accept " el zenna"
& I can understand " second marriage"

I blame men for being selfish & immature about marriage & relation ships

what I'm asking for is being honest
& for sharing

I can't ask my husband to love me for ever cause our hearts are not in our hands

but be a man enough to let me choose .. to tell me what's wrong
don't go fall for another woman cause this is easier than doing effort in our marriage or even accepting the fact that " you also " are blammed for our fail


arab men made "second marriage " like "zenna" something done in darkness

if takeing second wife for " justified reasons" why most of men do it secretlly & refuse to divorce the first wife???!!!

There's nothing called
you love me & you love "her"
NO there's something missing with me that you found with her

or there's nothing missing & you want to taste a new kind of woman

man can love two women?!

yes may be

but what I know is
that if man is satisfied with his wife sexually & emtionally then falling in love again will be more hard than it should be

men can't be faithful?!

yes for shame

But this is cause men can't be honest
we alawys lie about love , sex , feelings & reasons

we say what we want to believe
to justify what we do

so immature

when i knew husband is "talking"to this other woman I told him
" grow up ,,, be a man"
I don't blame him for talking to her
I blame him for not talking to me

do you understand?

gjoe said...

oh well, its Religion again, being misused, misunderstood for one's personal interests. People do see Haram and Halal from their own perspective..ma3 enn el mawdoo3 mafeehoosh magal le weghat el nazar 7'AALES..its a clear cut distinction between both.
How can people compare and choose between something Halal with something utterly sinful?
You know what? Prophet Muhammed (PBUH) remarried after Aisha, and she was very much extermely jealous although he loved her the most. jealousy is Okay and it is understood. She survived and lived through it and years after it (ma7ssalhash 7aga ya3ny).He contained her and was fair to all of his wives. People are so affected by what they see in the media and the society of how "unforgivable" it is for a man to re-marry.The media always views the abused cases and put into women's mind that 2nd marriage is a BAD IDEA..but if he sins with a woman, its okay, He would come back to you eventually..bla bla bla..This is a side-effect of what you called a hypocrite society.One that "plays" religious but is yet so affected by "western" ideas.

H said...

My ex husband secretly remarried and I eventually found out. He chose a woman he could go sneak out to hotels with. For a year I did all the work of the wife while this woman received all the pleasure of the wife. It's my opinion that most men would marry a second wife for the wrong reason. There are plenty of single men looking for wives so why would a man take away from his brothers? To be able to sleep with another woman. Is this a noble reason? No. So, would he be fair and equitable in his dealings with his wives. Most likely not. The Quran is very clear that a man should not marry if he can not treat the two wives equally. This is not an easy task for even the most devout muslim man. So a man who is less than devout should probably not take this burden on. If my ex was able to treat me and another wife fairly and equally then perhaps the situation would have worked out but this was not the case. In the end he lost us both. I would not stay in an unfair marriage and the woman he chose was fickle (and not a muslim). He had tried to reconcile but how can a woman be a good wife to a man she doesn't trust or respect? Alhumdullilah, Allah brought me someone better. For men considering taking on a second wife please keep the first wife informed and make sure that you are treat both women fairly and equally.

Fadfadation said...

Thanks for sharing H. I agree with you.

Yet, i think that in reality (in our time) a man can barely manage one wife... image 2!

Glad you found someone else.