Thursday, May 29, 2008

My Wall Has Fallen :(

Yes, my big, strong wall I always counted on and looked up to has fallen…my father.

Loosing him made me realize how much burdens our parents take off our backs.
Out of the blue, a whole load of responsibilities have landed on my shoulders. It feels like a mountain has fallen on me.

Many have always wondered why I “seem” to care more about my father than my mother. Explaining to them that it is not about loving him more, but what people don’t understand is that for men, the father is the benchmark!

He’s the benchmark of how a man should be, how he should act, and what he is made of.

We were very close to each other. He was a great man, father and friend.
It is hard looking around and not finding him with his cheerful “hello”s and big smile.

Over the past few years, it was hard seeing him getting weaker and getting emotionally soft.
For a man to see his benchmark (who was always strong and proud) get softer and weaker, it is a hard blow.
You sort of feel sorry for him and want to contain him as much as you can, yet he feels ashamed that he is getting soft.

I thank God that we talked before he left. It was as if he knew (Sob7an Allah).
He called the night before, said that he loved us… to me, my wife and even my elder son. I woke up in the morning on a phone call informing me that he is no longer amongst us.

Standing at his grave asking God to forgive and bless his soul really put this world in perspective…a totally different one.
The Prophet once said:” Live in this world as if you are a traveler”, as in you are here temporarily…so don’t get too comfortable, and remember it is just a phase till you reach your last destination.

This is exactly what I felt standing there at my father’s grave.

Trying to hold myself together and be “a man” during such a loss proves to be something not easy at all.
No matter how much psychological preparation you try to do for such a day…it will still hurt… a lot! Leaving you with this heavy, bitter, and sometimes stinging painful sorrow feeling.

My father has always been my refuge, safety, and wall of support.
Yet, God has willed that as I want to bend down and just feel broken for such a loss… I find two you young beings leaning on me seeking support in this life…
for life has done it’s cycle…
and now it is turn for me to be a “Wall” for my own children.

Sob7anak Ya Rab.

إن العين لتدمع و إن القلب ليحزن و لا نقول إلا ما يرضي الله
Our eyes might shed tears, our hearts might feel grief… yet, we only say what God approves of”.

Mood: Feeling like the life I have known has changed forever

23 comments:

Zeinobia said...

يرحمه الله و اسكنه فسيح جناته و الهمكم الصبر و السلون
:(

gjoe said...

El Baqa2 Lellah...May he rest in peace and have heaven awaiting him.
Reading this post has been very emotional for me.You reminded me of the time my father lost his father. The term "Wall" is very descriptive and accurate. That is exactly how a person feels towards his father.

Deeeeeee said...

ِAl-Baqaa2 Lellaah ya Fadfadation... honestly reading your post made me cry, literally! I can not tell you I know how you feel and actually that particular emotion is one of my worst fears in the world! I know that my admiration and respect for your father, for having contributed to the world with someone with such a sound mentality and a good image for our country and religion, means nothing now. I am sure he is very proud of you w radi 3annak isA, and I'm confident you will do a good a job being a benchmark for you children! Though I have nothing to offer and my condolences wouldn't be enough.. I promise to pray for your father... and the way you chose to use the word wall is very expressive, its actually devastating!

jessyz said...

El baka2 lellah. Rabena yer7amo we ye3'ferlo welmawta el moslemeen gamee3an.
I am sure you will be an amazing role model for your children as well.
A father is special to his girls too, when my father passed away I realized how inspired and in awe I was of him.
And inshalla na7sabo fe 7al a7san menena fel donya weykoon men el sale7een wel fa2ezeen isa.

insomniac said...

البقاء لله

there is nothing i can say to make you feel better... rabena yeghferlo we yodkheloh fasee7 ganatoh in sha2 Allah.

rabenna yessabarak.

Anonymous said...

الله يرحمه ويرحم أموات المسلمين

greyscale said...

البقاء لله

ربنا يرحمه و يصبرك انشاءالله

Shimaa Gamal said...

el bakha2 lellah, death it God's way to test darget emana. Mesh our deaths, the loss of our dear ones. el tahabt wel sabr, homa el egaba. Rabena yesabarak we yesbar kol el nas elly te3rafoh el sabr belnsbalha talab mosta7eel, we yer7moh we ye3'ferloh e7na we amwatna game3an.

I am really sorry for your loss

Noblese said...

May God rest his soul. And may God give you and your family courage and strength.
Your post reminded me of when my father passed away years ago. He was also our "Wall".

Lasto-adri *Blue* said...

البقاء لله .. اللهم اسكنه فسيح جناتك

And dont try to be over "man".. let your feelings get out..
you might feel better.. believe me :)


Rabna ysabarak,, w yg3alha a5er el a7zan

Fadfadation said...

Thank you all very very much for your kind and supportive words.

بارك الله فيكم و غفر لكم و لأمواتكم وجمعكم مع أحبابكم في الجنة... أمين

It is hard, but life moves on.

Rabena yesabarna gamee3an ISA.

dr.zizo said...

البقاء لله
غفر الله له واسكنه فسيح جناته وجمعكم به إن شاء الله فى الجنة

Mak said...

El Baka2 Lillah ya Fadfadation. Be strong. Don't forget el do3a2 and el sada2a el garya.

Dina El Hawary (dido's) said...

البقاء لله
this is a real touchy post ...

Anonymous said...

لا حول ولا قوه إلا بالله
إنا لله و إنا إليه راجعون

So so sorry to hear about it... i pray for Allah to guide you and help you through this hardtime , to grant you patience and peace to get through your misery ...and to accept His willing .

R

Mohaly said...

My condolences Fad, I wasnt in Egypt when my father died, and I didnt know till I came back from the states 40 days after he dies... part of me still doesng believe it after more than a dozen of years now...Things were never the same, with all the success I have in my professional life, I still feel that there is something important missing.

As you said...The WALL is the right word!

Al Baqaa le-Allah...and we miss your valuable opinions in Moh@lyics.

AbdElRaHmaN Ayyash said...

يا الله
البقاء لله
ربنا يرحمه يارب و يرزقك ثواب الصبر

Embee said...

A very belated Al baka2 Lellah wa7do. Rabena yekremo w yesabbarkom gamee3an isA.

Fadfadation said...

Zizo, MAK, Dina, R, Mohaly, Abdel Rahman, Embee and everyone else...

Thank you all for your kind words.

AL 7amdo lelAh 3ala kol 7al.

Nerro said...

el baka2 lelah, rabena yesbarko, w yer7amo.

hend...hanady said...

ربنا يصبرك ويرحمه ويرحم موتى المسلمين جميعا وتذكر دائما ان الرسول صلى الله عليه وسلم
اذا مات ابن ادم انقطع عمله الامن ثلاث صدقة جارية او علم ينتفع به او ولد صالح يدعو له

فكن له الولد الصالح الذى يدعو له

Sayed said...

Albaqa2 lellah, I just saw this post now, I hope you and your family are doing well.

Fadfadation said...

Nero\Hend\Sayed,

Thank you all very much.